Dreams
by iyimgrace
Summary: Every time Eyal says goodbye to her it gets harder and harder to let her go.


_A/N: The Muse struck again and gave me Eyal's side of the story. Not sure if I've grabbed his essence, which is strange because I usually have a harder time with the women than the men. He's a little more difficult to get his internal voice down so I hope he comes across correctly. _

_This takes place right after the train station goodbye in Lady Stardust. All dialog comes from No Quarter, This is Not America, Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) and of course Lady Stardust. Spoilers for all of those episodes._

_Enjoy!_

* * *

Now here you go again, you say

You want your freedom

Well who am I to keep you down

It's only right that you should

Play the way you feel it

But listen carefully to the sound

Of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad

In the stillness of remembering what you had

And what you lost

~ _Dreams,_ Fleetwood Mac

Every time Eyal says goodbye to her it gets harder and harder to let her go. This time it almost breaks him to walk away. He won't say those words to her. It's too final and their friendship, relationship… attachment––he's not even sure what to call it––runs deeper than that. And yet… they are spies. Every goodbye should count because it could always be their last. But today he knows the current has to take her in another direction––away from him. So he slips away, so many things left unsaid in the spaces between. Just like he always does…

"_Ok, I'm going to go and you're going to disappear into the wind like you always do." There's a lilt in her voice and an adorable smirk on her face._

"_I do that?"_

_She nods at his deflection like he's a precocious child and the sparkle in her eye becomes even brighter. He can almost smell the glimmer of the strong Jerusalem sun in her hair. The twist of anxiety in his gut builds as she walks away from him. He knows what she's up against, he's lived that danger before. And he can't help it when he calls to her and says, "Be careful."_

This time though, he disappears into the crowd of the bustling Amsterdam train station because he can't bring himself to linger. She's made her choice. He tries not to think about how much he hoped she would say 'yes' and come away with him. It's been years upon years since he dared hope for anything. He blames her for that. Her eternal optimism chipped away piece by piece at the ruthless calculus of his soul and left him with tiny ray of hope. How could she not? She was after all his _Neshama_.

A bitter laugh escapes him. They've come full circle he and his _Neshama. Light of my soul_. He meant it to piss her off that first time. And it worked.

"_There's only one bed."_

"_That's all we need, Neshama. Come on, think of it as kismet. We shack up here for a few days. We let things die down and then we do what we were brought together to do."_

_Her face never changes from the look of mild contempt. "Which is what exactly?"_

"_Exchange cases of course…"_

_He taunted her. Rattled her cage about the briefcase. But then he took pity and cooked for her once he saw the pathetic box of macaroni and cheese. Americans. _

_She even drew out his medical skills as he stitched her shrapnel wound while she ate. It wasn't the most romantic meal but then again they were in a safe house._

"_Is that gonna scar?"_

"_Oh most definitely. But in a cute way."_

"_Right."_

"_You can always put a tattoo over it if you don't like it. You're not Jewish are you?"_

"_No."_

"_Good. Well, good for the tattoo, not so good for me going to introduce you to my mom." Again, she ignored him and he bit back a smile._

She's changed since that first meeting. Gone is the naïve young agent full of courage and dogged determination to believe in the goodness of people. Circumstance and experience has altered that perspective in her. It kills him to know that he's had a hand in that.

He's broken her trust and while he believes that she's forgiven him that trespass, there is still a fragile tear in the fabric of their bond.

He has changed too. There was a time when he would never do anything to betray his country. But that blood worn allegiance made him betray the one person who meant most to him in the world after his son…

"_What are you saying, Annie?"_

"_I'm saying I'm giving you one last chance to save our friendship." She's too observant and she knows him better than anyone should. That makes her a danger to him. It's a liability he cannot afford. So he keeps up the façade and perpetuates Rivka's lie._

"_There's nothing I can say."_

_The disappointment in her eyes shreds him to the quick. He has obliterated the trust he's earned. And for what?_ _Erezt Yisrael? For the first time, the ideal of a better way of life sickens him. _

_She walks away from him down the tarmac without a goodbye and he knows in that instant that he's through. Everything that made him Mossad has turned him into the man he's never wanted to be. _

He checks his watch and closes his eyes as he waits for his flight. Exhaustion weakens his resolve and the memories continue to flood him. Each one he recalls seeps from his brain to flood his heart with a heaviness he hasn't felt in years.

"_We shove off in two minutes. If she isn't here, we meet up at the old church in Delft. She knows the protocol."_

_Eyal stares at the man who is supposed to be Annie's closest ally. He can't believe his ears. "But you won't leave her…"_

"_I'd never leave her." The man's vehemence speaks volumes and Eyal gets the message loud and clear._

_He picks up the symbolic gauntlet and smiles despite the fact that Auggie can't see it. "I would never leave her either."_

He's clearly full of shit.

He _would_ leave her behind. Has...despite his declaration to the contrary. No, he'd never leave her life in jeopardy. He's come to the point where he would give his own life for hers. Evidently, he would sacrifice his own happiness too.

He knows letting her go is the right thing to do. She is not ready for what he has to offer. Not after Simon Fisher. Not after the prison in Russia. She's afraid and grieving. And torn between someone who will make her feel safe and someone who doesn't always toe the line of right and wrong. His intensity is too much for her right now and she needs to feel the stable ground of home underneath her feet. He knows this from instinct, from experience. Life as a spy is unpredictable. What she needs is routine, predictability and closure. All things that Auggie can give her. Things that Eyal was never good at.

So he boards a flight to Athens to begin his new life. He doesn't know when he'll see her again but he has faith that the current will take her back to him when the timing is right.

"_Timing is everything, Neshama. But one day, you and I will be sitting somewhere looking at a sunset, thinking nothing at all. Maybe not this boat in Greece, but one day…And that will be a lovely evening."_

"_I hope so."_

Until then, he'll hold onto that little glimmer of hope.

The End


End file.
